Trust or Betrayal
April 09, 2018
Dear Allyson,

I recently "ran away" from my partner of seven years, due to a terrible misunderstanding.

My partner and I, both 25 years old, have been together for seven years. We broke up once before. During that break-up, I had a sexual experience with another man, and thought nothing of it. When Raphael and I started dating again, I was afraid to tell him, so at first, I lied, but later regretted it and told the truth. He never quite trusted me again.

For years after, I continued lying about many things, always afraid to make him angry. When my lies reached the surface, I realized the damage I had done and it was too late. He didn't trust me anymore. We continued to live together in a sort of limbo, denying that we were a couple. Then, I no longer trusted him, convinced that he was seeing someone else behind my back. While trying to work things out, I felt insecure and afraid of losing him, making our relationship worse.

A couple months ago I found in his phone, text messages with two girls. Recently, I found a missing piece of evidence that seemed to confirm my suspicion. I was so sure he had been cheating on me, I packed all my things and moved out, asking him in a letter never to speak to me again. He denied cheating and called it a misunderstanding. In his voice, I heard the tone of someone who still cares. He still doesn't know if he wants to see me again. Talking now is tense. He seems angry and I feel deeply hurt. I feel depressed, insecure and sad. and I am trying to change my ways, meditate, and work towards harmony with myself, but I still feel sad that I disappointed him and ruined our relationship. I truly want to grow and realize person I want to be.

Can love make this right again? Being by his side is what I want for my life. I want to be a complete woman before I dare ask him to see me again. Without fully transforming my character, we’d just return to this toxic cycle. Can you advise me on how to deal with the negative feelings about myself that hurt so much and how to grow spiritually?

Writing to you makes me feel less alone.

Sincerely,
Marissa
Ask Allyson Image
Dear Marissa,

Having an agreement of loyalty with a partner of seven years while choosing to have a sexual experience with another partner is not a “terrible misunderstanding.” It is betrayal, unconsciousness and a loss of integrity. To turn a loss of integrity into self-instructive guidance, we take responsibility and transform. Acting with confidence in your own behavior with no cause to hide your actions is a sign of maturity. A pattern of suspicion deceit and mistrust can become a habit, affecting other aspects of our life. The habit of lying and mistrusting others may have begun with parents and friends. A reputation for lying is uncomfortable and difficult to reverse. Regaining the trust of others who have been affected by betrayal takes time and commitment to integrity.

To reclaim trust, we can practice “radical honesty,” coming clean about what you've done or plan to do, what you think and how you feel. This authentic sharing opens a possibility of forgiveness and intimacy.

Making mistakes is not extraordinary. It is common. There are many websites devoted to helping people who intend to transform a pattern of mistrust and untruth. Distinguishing the matter and taking responsibility for reversing a pattern is the first step. Check out a website on Radical Honesty -- https://www.radicalhonesty.com

It shows courage to ask for feedback and share a difficult relationship matter that confronts many people.

Alex once heard an instructive voice that articulated this practice for recovering your integrity:

Confess wrong-doing.

Ask forgiveness.

Forgive wrong-doing.

Surrender to Love.


Thank you for sharing your truth.

In loving service,
Allyson
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