Sustaining an Enduring Relationship
June 25, 2018
Dear Allyson,

My husband and I have been together for close to twenty years, we deeply love each other and are committed to being together. As we enter our midlife era, it has become more of a challenge to connect, having two young children and various other regular life stressors. We see our friends divorcing and can't help wonder if marriage is sustainable in today's world? I was deeply encouraged to read that you and your husband are committed to each other in a traditional way. Could you offer some advice from your personal relationship in difficult times that help you stay grounded and connected to each other?

Thank for you for all the love and light you bring to this world!

Much respect,

Ask Allyson Image
Dear Elizabeth,

Alex and I know many committed relationships that have endured. The secret is to choose wisely and then STOP CHOOSING.

A relationship is a training to become a better person. We rub up against our beloved partner with all of our most annoying traits. Loving, talking and listening through all of our obstacles and negativities calls on our practice of tolerance, challenging our humanity and commitment toward forgiveness.

Remember that everyone is for loving. and that the trouble is not "over there."

In spite of conflicts that naturally arise, Alex and I feel so fortunate to go through so much of our journey together. We disagree. We negotiate. We are Sacred Mirrors.

Monogamy and loyalty offers us the freedom to pursue our passion for art and life with a degree of peace and equanimity Polyamory may satisfy others and we bless their love. There is a world of creative work, personal development and big problems we can solve together and individually when we get along.

Look out for your own well-being while continuing to care. Keep remembering all you loved about your “ chosen one" when you agreed to marry him and then notice and share those observations with him. Let little things go.

There are very interesting relationship counseling audio books by people immensely qualified with tons of suggestions. Listening together to structured and informed wisdom about relationships can give you both ideas of how to better cope with natural differences that come up and to strengthen your bond. Private counseling is a great idea for anyone.

What we all know, is that we spend time with people we truly love. To optimize our connectedness, we must spend quality time together, regularly doing things that make both partners happy. The shared project of raising children and making a home offers many possibilities. When children become old enough to manage themselves, when our home is settled and the furnishing is chosen, many relationships break down in the absence of a shared passion. We become more independent, a good thing, but to keep our love alive we have to find shared enjoyment. A spiritual life is a great help at that time. A spiritual center embraced by both partners offers a community of principle-centered others, a broad variety of folks with diverse interests that can be a resource and enrich our life and our marriage.

Recent Questions
Ask Allyson: Paint Question
July 30, 2020
Read more
Ask Allyson: Aphantasia - Absence Mind's Eye
July 08, 2020
Read more
Ask Allyson: The “No-Enthusiasm Zone”
June 22, 2020
Read more
June 08, 2020
Read more
Art Out of Anger (part 2)
April 23, 2020
Read more
Art Out of Anger
April 22, 2020
Read more
Art & Mothering
April 09, 2020
Read more